Not that I consider myself an expert on the subject, but I’ve lived through and beaten it (yes, I consider it a feat), so I think it has some merit for a more serious blog post on Blonde on a Mission. After all, my mission statement was to be healthy and more importantly, happy. I couldn’t be happy while living in a constant state of fear.So here’s the general basis for what happens during a panic attack (although symptoms can be different for everyone), what the fight or flight response is, and how your reaction will set you up for further panic attacks down the road.

My first panic attack happened in the middle of the night. I woke up randomly and my heart was beating violently and fast. I tried to calm myself down, but my head started feeling like someone had put a pile of bricks in it. I felt so weighed down and like I was going to faint at any moment. I had no idea what was happening, but I was scared. I stumbled into my bathroom and laid my head on the cold counter for a good 15 minutes, then went back to sleep.

From there, I spiralled.

I became terrified of the next time that would happen to me. When you don’t get over the single panic attack, it can set you up for panic disorder. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and prescribed Ativan, which I never even filled the prescription for because I didn’t want to feel like a crazy person. And yet, I was.

For about one year daily and another year on-and-off, my panic attacks happened everywhere and lead me to avoid certain locations and even certain roads.

Each panic attack was worse than the last. If I woke up in the middle of the night, I would have extreme panic attacks and would have to stay awake for hours just until it subsided. Sometimes, even after being awake for hours, I would try to fall back to sleep and the panic would start again. I lost a lot of sleep and gained weight when I was 17 because I thought food would calm the symptoms. It did, sometimes.

I spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals and my doctor’s office and even a heart specialist who made me wear a heart monitor to make sure I didn’t have a serious heart problem. It was humiliating and demeaning. I would enter a hospital in full-blown panic attack, only to not even make it past Triage because they calmed me down by simply talking to me. I’d leave the hospital and start panicking again.

Basically, I thought everyone thought I was crazy.

When I turned 18, the panic attacks were not as chronic but the threat was still there, in my mind. Something just didn’t feel “right”. I felt that my heart was weak and would stop beating at any moment. I felt that my brain was full of helium and that I had a tumour. I always felt one step behind my body, never really in control.

Again, the feeling of just “not right” leads to people thinking you’re crazy. I’d have to leave places because I felt a panic attack coming on.

I don’t know what the catalyst was for these panic attacks. They just happened out of the blue. For 2 years, I lived with it and now I’m 21 and no longer afraid of panic.

During the panic attacks, the things that calmed me down included: drinking juice, playing a repetitive game (like tetris), watching tv or just talking to someone about anything other than panic attacks; or, ironically, reading about other people’s experiences with panic disorder.

I don’t know exactly what helped me beat the panic attacks, but I know that exercise (specifically yoga) and healthy eating were big contributors. I feel like my body is healthy again. I feel strong.

My last panic attack occurred randomly earlier this year when I was living in Chicago. I was sitting at my desk at my internship and that oh-so-familiar-but-horrifying feeling washed over me.

I told myself, “No. You’re stronger than this.” It went away.

I guess it’s kind of like a ghost. To get rid of it, you have to acknowledge its presence and tell it to go away. I just didn’t feel strong enough during my teens to confront and tell the panic to go away.

The main things to realize are that you are not crazy but you are not dying. You are never alone. And most importantly,

you are OK.

For me, there’s only one acceptable time to have a full-blown panic attack and that’s only if there is a giant spider speeding towards you and you are cornered. Then you can freak the F out.